5 “INSANE” THINGS ABOUT MY ALTER EGO

First of all, moving to New York actually built or revealed a part of me that I wasn’t aware of, a part of me that I didn’t know exist. What I’m referring to is called “an alter ego”. According to my researches, everyone has one but not everyone is actually aware of it. And some people actually live their whole life without ever noticing the presence of their alter-ego. Usually it appears when there’s some big changes in someone’s life. For me, I believe it appeared when I moved to Nyc. It’s a period where I was experimenting, growing, changing (still going on though). According to the big guy Wikipédia, an alter ego is “a second self, which is believed to be distinct from a person’s normal or true original personality. A person who has an alter ego is said to lead a double life. The term appeared in common usage in the early 19th century when dissociative identity disorder was first described by psychologists.” When I read this, everything kinda made sense. From as long as I can remember, I always had some troubles of personalities, meaning I always like different things, hang out with totally different people, I always had trouble to find where I really belong too. One of the reasons is probably because I didn’t get to experiment while growing up in Benin with limited options on all possible ways. Not being free or having choices or not being able to try different things was the issues, and I guess it’s things that I tried late, which could explain while I’ve being the exemplary kid at school but grew up pretty late, embracing everything and becoming more savage, more free, more me, more alive.

Believe me, I wasn’t as opened and free that I seems to be today, na that I am today. I was way more shy first, I barely talk, I was missing way more confidence (a long term work if you’re asking my thought). I mean, ask  people who knew me when I was living in Benin or France vs me living in Nyc, definitely not the same person. I’m not the same person I was when I moved to the city and today. And when people ask me who I am right now, what’s the differences, I’m afraid to answer, because it would actually admit it to myself, even if I’m aware of it, I’m someone who likes to be aware from as far as possible aha (because everything is just a big deal to me). But hey, we’re not here today to talk about who I was and who I am, I just had to mention it while introducing this subject so now we’re good. (ahaha)

Yes, we all know that my life sounds like a movie, at least my friends say that. Because it’s full of adventures, and of weird experiences, when it comes to love, my night life but also random daily stuffs. My friends don’t want to wait 2 weeks before having me on the phone because a lot usually happens meanwhile. Even in days. Whenever I start telling them about someone, they can’t even remember or keep in touch with ahaha they’re like wait who is this guy again, because there’s too many (ish). Everytime I call these friends who know a lot about my insane life, they’re surprises because I always tell them unexpected things, like there’s not really a routine for me, there’s new adventures every day. Like having sex at night in Central Park (it’s like the biggest/famous park here if you don’t know) or this old boyfriend I was used to meet or to talk to every 6 months or every year and that one day I hate and the next day I’m spending the day with, like out of the blue, or this handsome italian guy (who only speaks Italian of course & I don’t so I will let you imagine) I met two years ago and had a one night story with and one year later with no communication since the night we actually met, he just come back to my life and thing is I actually planned to go back to France at this period so random or destiny ? I like to think that there’s a destiny.

What’s crazy is that I’m pretty shy as a person at the same time but I think my alter-ego is way more present since I moved to New York and actually started experimenting life and just going with the flow. I’m such a free spirit than I almost got kidnapped once too, oh I’m pretty naive too, yeah, (I hate myself for that lol) I believe everything, my friend can’t tell my jokes because I have the weird reflex to think that everything is true or at least should be. It’s maybe because I’m terrible at lying, omg I can’t lie, I can’t pretend and it’s awful. It’s probably why it’s hard for me to look at people in the eyes, I don’t know, I feel like they can read me through my eyes. What’s else ? I think too much. I can’t make decisions, even the simplest decision sounds like a huge deal for me. Like what food to order, where to go tonight, what to wear, even which street to take.. I mean ask me anything, I will take forever to answer or I will just answer “I don’t know”. I’m too intense.

Truth is, all of the experiences I’m talking about are usually too much to handle for my little person I swear. I don’t know why, let me know if it happens that you know the answer cause I clearly don’t. Okay let’s go before I write a book, shall we ?

5 INSANE THINGS ABOUT MY ALTER EGO

1 – Having a condom stuck in my vagina for like 2/3 hours

I didn’t know it was actually a real thing and could happen, well until it happens to me. During the first months I moved to Nyc, I was sexually living (what does it even mean lmao) as you may know or not. Wow, it sounds weird to say that but that’s the facts. Well, the little story is that I ended up a monday around 2AM at the urgencies because I had a condom stuck in my vagina. Yes I did google how to take it off before going to the urgencies. It was like a movie scene, I remember when I had to say why I was there, to the urgencies. I had to say it three times, to three different people. My english was of course not like it is today, so I had less vocabulary.. “I have something stuck here (me trying to show my vagina to the guy in the hospital lobby). I have a condom stuck here…” so embarrassing. They took me to a room and it’s two young guys (not ugly lol) who where in charge of taking it out of my body. They noticed how uncomfortable I was and they told me several times that I shouldn’t, that it wasn’t the first time they had to do this, that it happens. I was like dudeees, having strangers explore my body, I don’t know about that. Well, it was my first time and the only time I hope. I mean, having a guy I don’t know put his fingers in me was.. so weird. Well what I learned is that it happens. Please let me know if it also happens to you, so I feel less alone.

2- Having diner with an ex lover and his new girlfriend -> done ! 

I’m insane, it’s no news. I love suffering, for me suffering mean living. I love emotions, good or bad. I need to feel something. So I had diner with an ex lover (a way for me to move on if you ask me and to feel something, anything) and his new girlfriend. Important to know, it wasn’t an old lover, the story is super complicated but I wasn’t over him but yes I knew he was seeing someone and I mean a few months ago I guess I was still thinking about him.

Who else had to hang out with the man she like (d) and his new bitch ? All of my friends say it’s crazy and that they couldn’t do that. I knew not 100% but let’s say 90% (with my chances I should have known 100%) that she could have been there. Maybe it was the curiosity, maybe I needed to see him with her so I know there was no more chances for him and I. Well, it was weird and what’s even more weird is that I’m pretty sure this girl and I would have get along if I didn’t hate her because she was dating a guy I used to be with and that I wasn’t totally over. Seeing them together ? It hurts, a lot. Conclusion ? Am I over him now ? Well everything is a long process for me and even if it hurts, it helps. I kinda feel proud to say that I made it even everyone who know about it think I’m totally insane.. is it a bad thing ? And I’m ready to move on for good, even if I know I’m more interesting than her, ask my ex bf aha (not the one she is dating but another one), he says I’m better. I mean, doesn’t this article shows that I’m someone you’ll always have fun with ? Anyone’s else who kinda had the same experience ? Common I’m not the only one whose brain clearly shows some dysfunctions … 🙂

3- My alter ego appears as Nymphomaniac 

(not me, it’s my AE, I should give it or her a name right ?)

I’m always sad when I don’t have sex. Not having sex depress me. Am I the only one ? I get angry when someone’s promise me sex and then back off (I spent the day getting ready so no you can’t tell me last minute that you can’t come anymore fuck no, it’s not polite, it’s rude to do that, keep your promises please or don’t make any !).

According to Urban Dictionary, a Nymphomaniac is a person (historically used to refer to women, but the word means both men and women) who has an abnormally high sex drive and craves sex nearly all the time (#iwish). Dictoniary.com says that’s it’s woman who has abnormally excessive and uncontrollable sexual desire and also of a woman afflicted with abnormally excessive sexual desire.

But I’m curious know about the numbers. Does loving to have sex means being a nymphomaniac ? I don’t think so but I guess if sex can influence your mood and if you seems addicted to it, you have chances to actually be a nymphomaniac. Is it a disease ? Is it weird ? Is being addicted to chocolate is weird ? Is being addicted to cigarettes is a disease ? I think everything is life should be taken in moderation, anything’s too much is usually bad. Like drinking too much coke or eating too much ice cream right ?

Well, first, I think that I’m someone who get addicted easily. Second, I was missing confidence before moving here and I think sex helps me to be more confident, to feel more attractive. Does it make sense ? Sex is also a way for me to escape the real life, as cigarettes (ask any french, it’s fucking addictive and hard as hell to stop).

But why do my friends keep saying that I’m a nympho ? Because all I think and all I talk about is sex (with friends, I avoid to that with strangers). Because when they ask me how I’ve been, my answers usually started with “Well I didn’t have sex since 2 months, I’m sooooo depressed”. You must also know that the word “dramatic” has been invented for me. I’m too dramatic, in everything. Does the fact that I’m jealous when a friend tells me that she had sex or that she will and I didn’t have since a while and knows that I won’t have it in the next days ? I’m happy when my friends tell me that they didn’t have sex because it was planned or that they didn’t for longer than I. Yeah I’m the jealous type.

I could talk more about this but the Nympho topic probably required a dedicated post so let me know if you want me to write about it, and also if you have some questions. maybe we can find some solutions togetheeeer.

4- I have a sex toy than I use

Nyc, you’ve totally free my alter ego spirit, wow. I have one, since a few months. I thought I was gonna go crazy when I think I lost it (during a few weeks) but your girl didn’t buy a new one and didn’t had sex during this period, #proud ! I know it’s a delicate subject and people are ashamed to admit they have one or use it. And people also be like it’s useless but yo when you don’t have sex and like sex, it’s not, believe me. Do you know that there’s so many choices and styles ? Do you know you can choose their rhythms and frequencies ? Well, no shame anymore, I own a sex toy yall. Does it makes me less human ? No, does it makes me crazy ? Why should it be ? I think you someone who has one just love sex and want to discover herself and know more about her body. From the msgs I got from you on Instagram, I know that you guys want a dedicated post about it so be ready. I do need more researches about that as I haven’t been using it since a while.

5- I’ve dated or had stories with 3 of my cousins

Wait, before anything else, I didn’t know that these guys were related to me before being involved even if personally it didn’t really change anything, yes it was weird but everyone is cousin to everyone in Africa. Also, it’s really hard out there to find someone you’re attracted too, the chances are less everyday so does the fact to be somehow family related to a guy should influence us ? I dated 2 of them and the 3rd one we just hang out. I actually one of the 2 I’ve dated was my soulmate and I always wonder if things would have worked between us if there wasn’t this cousin thing, well I wish.

0- Okay Bonus time – I had sex in Central Park

In case you didn’t know that I like having sex and that sometimes I just can’t resist. You know the rule about having sex on the first night ? Wait, I created it ! Sometimes, it’s just too hard I don’t know what to tell you. The adrenaline… man it’s too much for me.

Central Park  was definitely not my favorite to have sex I mean, not really comfortable, there’s always people walking by, and also the police. Yes it was exciting because of the fear to be discovered, I was personally more afraid to got my visa taken away (lmao) but I guess life’s about these experiences. Comment and let me know the weirdest places you had sex. My weirdest place wasn’t there, but I’m keeping my answers to this question I’m asking you for another post and yeah I need your answers too for it, no worries, it’s a super free zone here, remember, I’m the one, actually my alter ego is the one who is putting itself naked out there.

END ! Hope you learnt something or at least had fun while reading this post. Make sure to leave a comment to tell me what you think (the point is to discuss about these) if you want me to continue with this kind of posts okay ? Yaw I did it, if you don’t hear back from me after this, that would mean that my parents killed me after hearing about these. Love xoxoxo

PS : Sorry for the mistakes xxxx (If anyone wanna be my translator and help, send me a mail)

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