I’ve decided to write off my quarantine frustrations which are mostly sex frustrations, at least while waking up near 6AM EVERYDAY. I couldn’t sleep and that’s clearly all I could think about. To be honest, that’s one of the first things on my mind while going to bed and waking up. What else is there to think about ? My alter ego would answer : the rent, the work, the money, family issues, health issues… okay and I would stop her and say that sex is the answer, sex would help me deal with all of these but there’s been no sex, since a while. So yes, I can tell you all about frustration.

Also, it seems there’s nothing else that I could do to feel better about them, other than I guess write about them, maybe, maybe, they will be less intense in my head then, maybe they will let my brain breath a little bit more. Or maybe you, yes you, reading this, you have a few tips and you go through the same ? I do hope you don’t, not gonna wish that to anyone.

You must be thinking that I’m thinking too much once again because it’s been what, a little more than two months of quarantine (two months feeling like four if you want my opinion). But your sis didn’t have sex since last summer, I mean since Patrick and I broke up, which happened last September or to be honest since he literally woke up one day and decided that we weren’t a great fit, men are such asshole but that’s another episode, I gotcha.

Not having sex for eight months and having a boyfriend for once but what’s the point if he lives on the other part of the planet ? I mean, I have no idea, none, really, none, thanks Corona, of when we’re gonna be able to see each other. First, because I have no idea when the frontiers are gonna be opened or when he will be able to do his visa process to come to me. I just have no idea of when I’m finally gonna be able to see him, touch him, kiss him, fuck him and yes a bish is thirsty but again it’s been a while and sex would be great after been in quarantine, to release it all you know. I’m convinced my body is missing this, and a part of the pain I can feel is from sex being so absent at that time of my life. Also I have to mention that we’ve never done anything yet, we actually decided we were gonna be together while we weren’t in the same country anymore but that’s another episode too that deserves to be done entirely about how him and I are an “us” today or trying to. 

On the other way, I’m thinking when I’m low like that what’s the point ? Even if he may be the one. But my alter ego and myself aren’t that much of big believers anymore. Look, I thought Patrick was the one. Wait, first, I need to clarify a few things. I haven’t been looking for the one like they described it in movies anymore. Younger me dreamt about crazy love, the one who fills your stomach with tons of butterflies, the one when you see the other, you become someone else, you have no more brain, when he touches you, you can feel the desire, the electricity, it’s hot and intense, the one, who doesn’t marry you, the one who just wanna have fun and fuck but who fuck you the best, like no one else. And that’s the unique reason you love this guy, because he knows how to fuck you so great, that’s the only thing he is good at too.

Listen, I’m 27yo ( and hate writing this number ugh) and I don’t dream anymore about the love that you can feel in all your bones, the love who turns all your senses, who drives you crazy.. the intense love. Ah, I just want someone real now. A love that will stay forever, something calm and mature, no more crazy or intense because those faint all with time. I want something that just feels naturally right and you can’t explain it but it just makes so much more sense. And you don’t have to be stressed, or not eat when you get a message of him, you feel like you can tell him (almost) anything, you just feel like you can be who you are and it’s totally okay for him. That’s why he likes you.

Well I thought I found that with Patrick. He was charming, smart, older, the first older guy I actually dated, I thought that my mistakes all this time were to actually pick my boyfriends at the kindergarten but believe me, older guys doesn’t necessarily mean mature guys. He was what, 30 OR 33 ( Can’t remember, you don’t deserve me to remember anything to be honest) but got scared when things started looking promising, don’t they alll say my alter ego which is always right by the way. Should we call her “Ms Rightie” ? I would have thought that someone of his age knew exactly what he wants, but no. To be honest, I think he just wanted a black girl as a trophy. Someone he could control, and first of all, Im more than a color. I know, today we’re all proud to be Black, don’t take me wrong, I am, I’ve been for a while contrarily to people who are since it’s a trend and who discovered themselves a percentage of African. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I’m black, I’ve been born and was raised home, in Benin, lived there till my 18 so I know. But with him it was like he just really so wanted to be with someone Black and was acting like you know he knew everything about what it means to be Black, and to be honest he had some thoughts that prove to me he wasn’t that educated. I think, we will agree, I can’t date someone who doesn’t believe in White Priviliege, like really nigga ? I had to prove it everyday, that I was Black and he didnt want me to be anything else than that. He just wanted me to be all the blackest I could, is it that bad ? Yes because I don’t like cases and just because I’m black doesn’t mean I don’t like I don’t know… crepes ? He always wanted me not to wear wigs and to have my natural hair (like he was gonna deal with that for me, here white people don’t realize all the work).. he doesn’t deserve that many lines here but you need to get a little bit familiar with the guy for when I’m dropping his episode cause he does deserves an episode because I’ve never deal with someone so immature and who is over 30 and maybe you can learn from it too ?

I could have been quarantined in LA with Patrick, in his beautiful house, I could have been pregnant now of him or of the abroad guy I’m dating now but again I’m quarantine alone and with no sex. 

Why do I keep mentioning Patrick ? Because he is my ex, I don’t really know why it ended so it kinda haunt me sometimes. You probably want me to talk more about the new guy which I will in EP 2 so stay tuned. We gotta find him a name so what do you think about Paul ? He is so not my usual type. What’s my usual type ? Assholes who don’t want to commit, yep. The one before Patrick was the best of them all. On a more serious note, I’ve always been attracted by artists, most of the guys I’ve dated or hang out with were models, singers, music producers etc so artists, & creatives. I am a creative too and the me of today knows that two creatives isn’t usually a great fit, at least that’s not what I want. I don’t want to be in this world 100% of my time you know, I already have a job which is 100% of my time so dating someone who do kind of the same would be exhausting. We would already be in the same world, going to the same kind of events, hanging out with the same people, I mean, we will just belong in one same industry and I will never be able to have a break of that.

But anyway Paul. I mean he is kinda an artist too but he is different. He is a designer so he doesn’t belong to the cray cray music industry and he also lives back home in Benin. He is tall, oh I’m so obsessed with tall guys. Patrick and I were almost same height so I was always trying not to wear platforms (which I love a lot) and big heels not to look even taller near him. It was so so so annoying jeez because I love being tall and even look taller. I love my platforms, I can’t even believe I almost abandoned them because of Patrick, shame on me. So Paul is tall and he is a real sweetheart. I know, they all are at the beginning. But he is sweet and did such adorable things no one ever did for me. But again, it’s the beginning plus no one ever really did nice things to me except Patrick but everything was perfect with him until again he wakes up and thought that we weren’t a great fit. Nope, I will never, ever forget these words.

To be honest, I could see myself grow old with Paul, But is it weird to feel like that while we haven’t even kiss yet ? I wish we did so I could remember what it really feels instead of having to imagine this feeling in every dream I have…

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